


C10H15N

by kyeoesc



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Gen, One Shot, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-25 13:28:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22156828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyeoesc/pseuds/kyeoesc
Summary: Yeosang just wanted something to help him focus.
Relationships: Jeong Yunho/Kang Yeosang
Kudos: 51





	C10H15N

Suggested music: [ here ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7t4JbKqTm10agLsLXs1KVd?si=inrh1DL5R8CH0x7baF_vNw)

Yeosang leaned back into his chair, looking at the top of the wall in front of him where it met the ceiling. The walls of his room were white, and although they were allowed to paint over it, the Chemistry major was too lazy to repaint it when his lease ends. The clock on his bedside table ticked with every second, echoing. He turned to look at his own reflection on his left, where a mirror hung on the door of his closet. Darkness loomed under his eyes - he hadn't had a good night's sleep for almost a week now - and his chestnut brown hair stuck up near the back. He pushed them down, trying to look neater for no reason at all. The boy puffed his cheeks and blew out air. The binders on his table continued to thicken as the semester continues into the end of the year, and yet all of it felt like a blur to Yeosang. His laptop sat on the table in front of him but the Powerpoint presentation that he had up and the paper where he jotted notes down during the lecture all look like a jumble of words at this point. All he could think of was the edible he had stashed into the far end of the kitchen cabinet. Before he knew it, he was standing in front of said cabinet, cold wooden floor panelling under his feet, the container with a big "YS" written on the lid in his hand. 

Yeosang used his other hand to wipe his face, rubbing his eyes with the tips of his fingers. He really shouldn't, but it's been too long since and he just needed to loosen up from all the pressure. He took off the lid and glared at the cookie on the very top as if it was a bomb. His mind flashed to his father lecturing him about making sure he has a future ahead of him. Yeosang scrunched his eyes close and took one bite of the cookie and put it back, closing the lid fast and putting the container back into its dark corner in the cabinet. He walked into his room as if nothing happened, his mouth chewing and swallowing the slightly burnt cookie his stupid friends made themselves. He tried to look back at the presentation, fumbling with his blue pen, reading a sentence then rereading it, then looking at his notes, trying to make sense of the sentence. He did that for several minutes before yawning. He looked up at the mirror again and saw the white of his eyes had turned red. _Fuck,_ the boy thought. He yawned again involuntarily. He didn't have enough to loosen up, but just enough to get sleepy, and with the constant yawning he was in no position to absorb anything. Tears pooled in his eyelids from the dryness. He gulped water from the flask he had on his table, then wiped his tired face again. _God fucking damn it._

His mind thought of his 3.6 CGPA and the quiz he had by the end of tomorrow. He ran through the slides one last time, just briefing himself through what the whole chapter was about, then slammed the laptop shut, switching off the lights. He threw himself on his bed, wrapping himself up with a blanket. _Fuck it,_ he thought to himself. _Fuck the scholarship, fuck the quiz. Fuck Yunho for giving me those cookies and fuck everyone. I just want to sleep._

-

"Hey," a tall length of human mass approached Yeosang as students start walking out of the lab. "You think you did okay?"

"I managed," Yeosang replied. He was slightly annoyed at Yunho because of last night's crash, but he couldn't just start running his tongue at his friend. Yeosang gave him a cold shoulder instead.

"Cool," the chirpy boy replied, not realizing if Yeosang was acting any different. "You wanna go get Subway for dinner? I got a coupon."

Yeosang sighed to himself. There was no way he could avoid the one person who actually wanted to hang out with him. 

The food court was two blocks away from the Chemistry building, and as Yeosang skateboarded slowly Yunho followed along, his long legs not having any problem catching up. Yunho did most of the talking; mostly about how Mingi passed out at last Tuesday's small drinking party and Wooyoung daring Yunho to fart in the living room when the girl Seonghwa was currently dating came over. Yeosang just laughed and gave small comments, but his brain was fried from trying to cram the chapter's slide this morning while listening to his sociology class's lecture. The sub actually sounded really good in the chilly weather.

While waiting in line to pay, Yeosang saw the cookies in its rack next to the cashier, enticing him. He rubbed his temple, remembering last night. A month ago he had edibles almost every night and flunked his midterms. He went back home for Fall break only to constant lecturing from his dad. He knew he had to stop, but it was hard. In the beginning it was fun; when he first had them he was with Yunho and his roommates, and they would have nights just relaxing and having fun, giggling to dawn. Then Yunho gave Yeosang a batch for himself. That's when the crashes started; still he couldn't help himself. Every night after reading the fifth slide, the chocolatey high came to mind. His hand itched and his feet shook underneath him. He couldn't study thinking about it, so why not get it over with? Unfortunately he couldn't study consuming it either. It was a loss-loss situation.

When they found a table to sit at, Yeosang unwrapped his sub slowly while Yunho had his first bite within seconds. Yeosang wondered if Yunho had a cookie right before the quiz to cut the edge off.

"Hey Yunho."

The doe-eyed boy looked up from his sub. "Mhmm?"

"These edibles are giving me bad crashes man. You sure it's a good batch?"

Yunho swallowed his bite before answering. "Yea totally, I had one in the morning and look at me now." He smiled goofily at the other. Yeosang grinned back; he had guessed right.

"Well maybe it's not working for me. I need something to help me focus when I'm studying, and it's just a distraction at this point." Yeosang finally took his first bite, his mouth already salivating from hunger.

"Something to focus? Yea Mingi has something for that." Yunho pulled out his phone and typed something in his notes, then showed it to Yeosang.

_"C10H15N"_

Yeosang stopped chewing for a second. _Methamphetamine._ He knew that Yunho's roommates were crazy but he didn't know it was to that extent.

"Seriously?" Yeosang almost stuttered.

"It works if you know how to," Yunho told. "But for safety's sake I think your first try should be supervised. That shit's crazy."

Yeosang nodded slowly, thinking about it through every bite. That night while going through his notes, he thought about Mingi and how he definitely did not look like a meth consumer. Then again, he IS a Biotechnology major with a Computer Science minor, and all that with a social life? It kinda makes sense. Yeosang sighed as he texted Yunho to bring Mingi over next Monday night for a study session.

"And make sure he has C10H15N with him"

-

"It's Newton's first law. All existing forces are balanced." 

"I'm a Chem student."

"Just reminding you of eleventh grade Physics." Mingi crushed the crystals he had in a small transparent bag in his palms. "This tiny bag is a powerful tool; use it or misuse it, your choice. What I'm saying is, if you're gonna take this make sure you have the extra time to recover. You got any classes tomorrow morning?"

Yeosang thought of his morning sociology lecture. The class had been easy so far; there's a Google document his classmates had been sharing right before every exam and it usually has everything he needed to ace it. He shuddered as an answer to Mingi's question.

"Nice, you got your priorities right. Anyway, I recommend a small dose for now since we need to see how your body can take this."

"No shit," Yunho murmured from the kitchen. "You're an ass at teaching people these stuff. Don't ruin Yeosang please, he's the only cool guy in my class."

Yeosang was flattered but he couldn't help himself. A part of him felt an adrenaline from trying something so lethal, but another part of him wanted to run away from this craziness as fast as he could. They were sitting at the coffee table in the living room, books aside but ready to be absorbed as soon as he gets the crystals in his system. Yunho couldn't stop moving since they arrived; Yeosang thinks he's more nervous than Yeosang was about the matter. He shuffled through the kitchen cabinets, and Yeosang watched as the tall boy easily reached for the cookie container on the top shelf. He took a piece and started nibbling on it, putting the rest back to where it was.

Funny how all of them were just intoxicated human bodies, living through each day with a different chemical coursing through their veins, their inner demons taking over every time. 

Mingi demonstrated how he would snort the crystals, then briefed through what he would feel at first, what was normal and what wasn't. He told Yeosang that the amount he's about to prescribe the other would last him an hour but he had gained tolerance to it, so it might last Yeosang about 3-5 hours; just enough time for him to sleep the rest of the morning before the quiz in the evening. Mingi took a hit first, then Yeosang followed. Yunho just looked from afar, tapping on the game on his phone. 

Yeosang didn't feel anything at first, except for a sneeze coming. After several seconds, he felt a calming buzz in his brain, a boost of energy and confidence overcoming his nerves. Mingi started flipping through his notes, so Yeosang followed. His mind didn't have control; instead it just went in a straight line, reading every word clearly, remembering and learning, but never shifting gears or stopping to wonder why or how. Yeosang didn’t even realize that he had fallen asleep; it was an automatic switch that went off when the high had run out. He woke up on the living room floor, the carpet under him making marks on his cheeks. Mingi was sleeping on his couch, his lips slightly separated. Yunho walked out of Yeosang's room. 

"You're awake? Well, I guess it's not the drugs keeping Mingi stuck on his bed every morning."

"What's the time?" Yeosang asked, standing up to stretch.

"11:30," Yunho answered, going to the kitchen to make coffee. "You still have time before the quiz. How was it?"

"I wasn't distracted," Yeosang sighed, grinning slightly. "I think that's an improvement. And everything in the notes just-" he motioned something entering his head at a quick speed "-with no effort at all."

"That's great," Yunho answered, handing a mug of coffee to the other. Yeosang could tell that Yunho's still anxious about it. 

"Let's get something to eat. We can go through notes together," Yeosang said, bringing the mug closer to his mouth. "Then I can really test how effective it is."

They left Mingi, sending a text telling him they're heading to Denny's. Over pancake stacks and waffles they found that Yeosang remembered most things he studied the night before, except for the more complex concepts that he couldn't grasp from day 1. Yunho tried to explain through those concepts to him, just as Yeosang helped Yunho with what he didn't understand. 

It was a full mark for both of them.

-

"Yeosang?" His father's voice echoed at the back of his head. Yeosang had been staring at the sliding door curtain for as long as he could remember, fascinated by the way the silver-colored thread shone as it moved, reflecting the ceiling lights. Upon hearing his name being called, he slowly turned to face his father, then realized his mother and sister had been staring at him too. It took a painfully long time for him to look down at his food and start poking at it, trying to eat even when his brain wasn't capable of controlling his actions and thoughts properly. He felt his body warm up from feeling anxious that his family would realize something was wrong, but he didn't know what else to do except to put a bite in his mouth while he waited for his father to talk to him again. This time he has to listen. _Listen to him, brain, just listen for a second._

"How did you do for your finals? Are the results out yet?" His father asked after an awkward silence rung in the household.

Yeosang grinned. "I hadn't checked yet," he told.

"Well when you finally have the time from your busy life to do so let me know. I want to know if I should expect another call from your sponsor this semester."

Yeosang felt his body tense up but he kept himself quiet, biting on the metal spoon in his mouth.

"Well your cousin Hongjoong's going to graduate early, have you heard?" his mother tried to lighten the atmosphere. "He's such a wonderful violinist. Or is it viola? Either way, he's amazing. It's really rare for a music student to graduate early - I heard they're usually probl-"

"Cello."

"Sorry?"

"He plays a fucking cello," Yeosang gritted his teeth. _This is why I didn't want to listen,_ his brain snarled at him. "Do you even care? The thing's huge - how can you mistake a cello for a violin? Have you ever seen him play?"

"I fucking knew it," his father growled. He stood up and walked over to the boy, grabbing Yeosang's small face by the chin and pulling him up so he’d stand. He made Yeosang look up at him; Yeosang's father was a couple of inches taller than him, with squarish shoulders like his own, but thicker. The man glared into the younger’s eyes, and Yeosang angrily looked back. After a few seconds his father asked, "You're high, aren't you?"

"What are you talking about?" Yeosang managed to spit out.

"You're high on something. Cocaine, marijuana, something. What's wrong with you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Yeosang squeaked, not sure if it sounded convincing. His father let go of his face, throwing it sideways as he did. Yeosang's mother stood up, and his sister's mouth gaped at the situation before her.

"I can't have a drug addict in my house. Get out!"

Yeosang froze in his place, his feet cold, his bones shaking. Suddenly he was very sober; his every nerve aware of everything around him; the cold dinner, the three pairs of eyes on him, the still air. His mother pushed his father away, asking Yeosang what's going on with him, but he kept quiet, staring at his toes. 

"Who have you been hanging out with that got you into this?" his mother asked tearily. Yeosang felt like screaming when he heard his mother choke on her own words. This is unfair. This is so unfair. It's not Yunho's fault. It's not Mingi's fault, or Wooyoung's or Seonghwa. It was his own, his family's fault, but all they did was care about him, but this isn't right. Nothing felt right.

"Why are you still here?" his father asked after a long silence. "Get the fuck out of my house!"

"Honey please," his mother pleaded. Yeosang wasn't sure if she meant it for himself or his dad. "Yeosang, what's wrong? You can tell us what's going on. You're not on drugs, right?"

His father snickered. "I can tell when someone's high just by looking at his dilated pupils. That kid's on drugs, and if you don't believe me we can go to the police station right now and test it. Do you wanna do that, Yeosang? Hey, are you listening? Hey!"

Yeosang looked up tearily at his father, his fists rolled into a ball. "I'm going to bed." 

He started to his room when his father grabbed him by the arm, his grip harsh on the boy's flesh. "I told you I don't want a druggie in my fucking house."

"Oh my god dear, let the kid rest, please," his mother pleaded again. It ached Yeosang's heart. "It's Christmas break, where else is he supposed to go?"

"I don't know, maybe he can go to a drug slinger's tent and join them, since he's planning to ruin his entire future anyway."

Yeosang pulled his arm away and made his way to his room. "I don't want to see your face in this house, you hear me? If I see you I'll slap your fucking face until you finally understand that there is no place in my house for a drug addict like you." Yeosang tried his best to shut it all out. He spent the rest of Christmas break in his room, sleeping, reading, watching videos on YouTube, and occasionally walking down for leftovers at 3 in the morning. One night he knew his father heard him walking to the kitchen, but he had let Yeosang be. Yeosang felt like his father was giving him a chance, which he hated. If he wanted to be awful he might as well do it all the way through.

-

Yeosang had gotten dependent on it. 

When was the last time he saw Yunho? He can't remember. If he did, it was in the hallways, or in a lecture hall when Yeosang recognises his nape from afar. The courses were getting tougher and he was getting more and more lethargic with every 8am lecture. He was in direct contact with Mingi's supplier (now his own) at this point. He spends the rest of the day snorting and thinking he'd be studying but instead he'd space out, the words in his notes and slides a blur, thinking _fuck, it's not working again,_ but going back to the same routine again the next day. 

Yunho finally texted him first, after three weeks into the semester.

"You're such a hardass, you know that? You're really waiting for me to text you first?"

Yeosang rubbed his temple with his fingertips. He was in his room, snorting another dose, thinking it would help him focus, when he knew it wouldn't. He didn't want to hang out with Yunho after what his parents said; it wasn't his fault, but if his parents weren't happy about who he was hanging out with then he'll stop hanging out with them. He'd still be a wreck without them, and he wanted to prove it to his parents out of spite.

"Whats up" was all Yeosang could manage in his condition. He wiped away some residue from the tip of his nose.

"Lets grab subs. I got a coupon"

Yeosang smiled to himself, thinking "I got a coupon" must be the worst pick up line ever, but he still falls for it every time.

"Sure. Before lab"

"Ok. See you"

-

The next thing Yeosang remembered was the bright white lights glaring at his face. He tried to escape it, but could only see the awfully tacky peach-colored drapes on his left and a pale blue wall on his right, the sound of beeping echoing in his brain painfully. He tried to raise his head but a nauseous feeling came up his throat, so he rested his head back again. Realizing his arms were numb, he tried to wriggle his toes a bit, then stopped when he heard his mother whisper his name.

She stood up to let him have a clear view of her. He can see that her face was puffy as if she had been crying, and suddenly Yeosang was very scared.

"Mom? What happened?"

"Oh my god," was all she could manage before she hugged the boy. He felt his body ache but he didn't say anything. His mother ran out of the room and came back briefly, Yunho and Yeosang's sister trailing behind her. 

"Guys, what happened?" Yeosang asked raspily, his throat dry.

"Dude, you had a seizure," Yunho replied quietly, his eyes filled with worry. 

"What?"

"You didn't come for the sub so I went to check on you. You were foaming at the mouth, man. Luckily your roommate was home, can’t believe I found you lying on the floor in your room like that." Yunho sounded like he was about to cry. Blood drained from Yeosang's face.

"It was a good thing he found you in time," his sister followed. She didn't say anything more. Yeosang understood - he could've had a stroke, maybe even die. He didn't know what to say. His mouth gaped as his mother stared blankly at the wall across from her.

"You'll be okay though," his sister assured, sensing the tension. "They cleaned you out, and they said you just needed to wake up and do a few more blood screenings before you can get out."

"Where's dad?" It was painful to ask, but Yeosang was curious. 

"He's at home. He had the night shift."

 _Fuck,_ Yeosang's head screamed. _Fuck fuck fuck. Why did this happen? Fuck, I hate this. I hate myself. Why did I do this? Shit this is so bad. Just let me die. Just let me die._

Tears formed and collected on his lower lids. His mother held his cold hand, and he managed to glance at her painfully, his heart aching.

"It's going to be okay. You'll get through this, and we'll help you," his mother told him tearily. At that point he couldn't control it anymore, and the tears fell like waterfalls down the side of his face. He let them out, blinking several times, biting his lower lip to stop himself from sobbing. 

Yunho helped Yeosang get up from the bed to go to the restroom. He gave himself a glance in the mirror and didn’t like what he saw so he turned his eyes down to the sink, letting the cold water run, his boney hands finding themselves under it. He washed his face and wiped it with a towel he found hanging next to the mirror. He looked at himself again, seeing the hollowed cheekbones and the darkness under his eyes. His lips were chapped and pale, and as fair as he was he never saw himself so void of blood. He looked away - to his arm where the needle they had probed him with stuck out uncomfortably. He wrapped his arms around himself, shivering out the last of his tears, and glanced at the mirror again. How did his high school honor student ass get here?

Mingi came later in the day. "Fuck, I didn't think I'd actually know someone who OD'ed. This is so cool!" Yunho shooed him out after he said that, but it managed to make Yeosang grin. When Yunho came back Yeosang was staring out the window of the room. 

"I really didn't think it'd get this bad," Yunho started. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," Yeosang said solemnly. "I did this to myself."

"Come on, share the guilt a bit, I can take it," Yunho joked.

Yeosang smiled at the taller, but he didn't say anything else. Yunho wondered if he should talk about his stupid roommates again, or if he should share his notes, but maybe that's too much stress for this situation. As Yunho continued to overthink himself away, Yeosang thought about what awaits him after this. Will he get suspended for drug abuse? What about his scholarship? How many days had he been in this hospital, how many classes had he missed? He wondered about it all but he didn't ask the questions. Maybe a part of him didn't want to know. Instead he asked out loud, "What would happen if I actually died?" 

Yunho didn't expect that from the other. He thought about it.

"A lot of bad things would happen," Yunho finally said. "For me, I'd lose the only cool classmate I have."

Yeosang can only smile appreciatively at the other. Day became night and Yeosang finally saw his father. He only asked if Yeosang was comfortable and if he wanted any water, and even when Yeosang said no he got a cup ready on his bedside table anyway. He then went to the armchair in the corner of the room opposite of Yeosang’s bed and started reading news on his phone, then picked up a book and read that, a blanket over his lap.

Yeosang fell asleep in small periods of time - he was told insomnia was normal - and when he woke up and saw his father was asleep, he looked at the needle sticking into his arm. He observed it and tried to map out what each wire connected to the needle did - nutrients and vitamins mostly - and how it was injected into his vein. He slowly unravelled the tape that stuck the needle to his forearm. Soon it was just a piece of plastic stuck into him, which he soon removed as well, the needle falling and left hanging by its wires, the liquid from the bags streaming out onto the floor below him. Yeosang hid his slightly bleeding arm under his blanket and closed his eyes, trying to ignore his brain screaming at him for more meth, feeling the withdrawal consume him. 

_I need more._

  
  



End file.
